Thursday, May 26, 2011

Here, Now


First day of school last fall

Graduation day was Monday. Nathan was so happy, not to mention kind of hamming it up.

Flowers from the yard for the teachers.

Here we are on the last day of preschool for my younger son. His passage is mine too. Today he'll be saying goodbye to friends he's made. Some he'll see over the summer, and at least one will be in his elementary school. I wonder if, at age five, he recognizes this, or if life just flows from one thing to the next. For me it is the greater baby is no longer a baby. In the fall our new routine will be to walk two boys to the elementary school.

Today, after dropping him off, I cried a little into my coffee. I feel okay with that. I haven't written much about this, but I struggle with anxiety. What I learned after having a good, snotty cry today is that I don't think I cry enough. Suppressing my emotions leads me to massive tension in my face, neck and shoulders, and grinding and jaw pain, as well as to overindulging in things like fatty food, and alcohol. Shopping. Anything to sooth and pacify. Heck, even excessive googling and facebooking help me to tune out whatever is eating me.

Friends are wonderful and quick to want to help you through your problems. They tell me to look at the bright side and all of that. Well meaning though it is, sometimes I want someone to just sit with me here, now, and maybe say "yes, I know how that is." Being the only female in the house, this is a hard thing to ask for, because the males of the species don't really get that. They want to fix things. And I accept that. It is okay. That is just how they are.

For today I'm not going to judge my feelings. I'm going to feel what I feel. I'm going to express it. I'm going to emote. If I am hungry I will eat, if I am thirsty I will drink, if I am sleepy I will sleep. And if I feel like blubbering, I will blubber to my heart's content and wake up on the morning renewed as the green grass after a downpour. Most of all I'm going to hug my little Nathan as much as I want.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, these moments are what make being a mom so precious. Feel it all!