Thursday, April 12, 2012

Maternal Self Doubt



I've mentioned it several times this year, but now we are really down to the wire: I have just 7 weeks left of afternoons with Nathan.  Kindergarten is flying, as I knew it would.  We talk walks home, thanks to the nice weather.  Sometimes we build things from our "idea basket," like our awesome wine-cork boats above.  Sometimes we get our sketchbooks out and draw together, squished on the same chair that used to fit us both a lot better.  We play chess.  We have lightsaber battles.  The other day he showed an interest in trying out the little guitar, so I let him strum for a while.  Of course we read a little each day.  It feels all good and structured to write those things out.

But sometimes I feel like we're just not getting much done.  Sometimes he whines for video games. (We still have no game system, but I let him play Angry Birds and other free things on the computer.) Sometimes, no, oftentimes, we fall back into our terrible habit of getting "pickup" for lunch, to the point that he sulks when we don't go for the hamburgers.  Sometimes I'm just drained after school and I doze off while I'm trying to read to him.  Sometimes I try to get back to our old habit of reading a dozen books and he's bored after the first two.  Sometimes our afternoons are reduced to running needed errands or folding the darned laundry or just trying to get by.  I feel dejected on those days and I question whether I should even be home with them.

Then you have a bright sunny days like today: he was actually a bit disappointed that I had to pick him up by car.  (I was running late from breakfast with a friend.)  But he was cheerful and glad to be home.  He requested pancakes for lunch, and when I grumbled about that he was so pleasant when he said "Okay, mom!" that I had to make him the pancakes.  We had a lightsaber fight and read a few books and I showed him funny cat pictures from a website I like.  He was happy to be here with me.

I guess the point of my little ramble is I'm not perfect, no one's perfect, and it's pointless trying to be.  I'm happy with my decisions, with staying home with the boys.  I think we do a good job as a family with nurturing them and augmenting their education.  It's just that when you're in the middle of it, when you're busy living your days, you don't always think you're "getting anywhere."  Maybe it's those times we need to reboot, and re-establish where exactly we are trying to get.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Shannon, my baby leaves for college four months from Tuesday so believe me, I understand what you're feeling. I didn't stay home with him, and sometimes I wonder if I was crazy to let those days slip by while I was somewhere else. So let's just admit that no matter what you do as a mother you always feel like there should be more you could do, and accept that time flies with amazing speed, and turn our attention to savoring every second as it passes. Because they will all be gone before you know it!!!

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  2. I get it. Yu are doing a great job...and these times are so fleeting. I was just freaking out the the girls are two, and I've hardly enjoyed them. I'm clearing out the laundry room so we can have a proper craft and project area...let's see if it really gets done. I hope it does!

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